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Leo

Tonight, just as you are falling asleep, you will think of the greatest idea you have ever thought in your life. If brought to completion, the idea will result in a sudden rise to fame, riches beyond imagination, and resolution to every problem the world currently faces. Unfortunately, you won’t write it down, and in the morning, you won’t be able to remember the idea. If at any point in your life you do remember this idea, you will instantly be struck by a meteor and die. Think carefully, lion child.

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Cancer

Today you will try to take one cookie from the jar, but another one will be sticking to it and you’ll just eat both. The second cookie will cause the heart attack.

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Gemini

Remember where you hid those videos? Your mom is just about to throughly search that area.

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Taurus

This month a father figure in your life will finally go through with a sex change. Luckily, you’ll take up doing recreational drugs and/or ballet and everything will be a lot better, trust me. 

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Aries

You may have been beating yourself up over some recent failures today. Keep up the good work. 

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Pisces

So you thought you’d get away with it, huh? Someone saw. They will tell the authorities in a matter of hours. Run, you fool. 

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Aquarius

The hunting party will leave earlier than you expected, and you may be in danger of sudden sneezing fits. And don’t be ashamed of what you did last night. Everyone does it. 

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Capricorn

We all know you’re not prepared for the risks you’re about to take, but hey, where’s the fun in that?

Just keep in mind that this philosophy can lead to STDs such as children and the clap when misused.

Also, you should buy your best friends a pet chinchilla.

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But seriously, guys. Our best friend Marlie is a Capricorn, and she’s going off to college in the morning. We’re actually at her house analyzing Finding Nemo and eating junk food. Wish her luck and everyone be sure to give her lots of love. She deserves it. :)

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Sagittarius

You’ve got quite a mouth on you today. If you keep it up you’re liable to find it gets a good punching.

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Scorpio

That’s not a very nice thing to do to your cat, asshole.